


happy.

by hesitant_Jupiter



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Graphic depiction of self harm, M/M, Self Harm, Suicide, e im depressed, no comfort, this is so fucking sad, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 16:06:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16432589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesitant_Jupiter/pseuds/hesitant_Jupiter
Summary: jared doesn't know how to handle himself, so he texts connor. connor comes over, angst ensues





	happy.

**Author's Note:**

> TW FOR SELF HARM & SUICIDE  
> hey guys!!! i havent posted for a looong time im sorry :( ive been in a not so good place and this is v en t

Jared sits in the bathroom, a razor in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other. He sighs heavily before setting the pills down and bringing the razor up to his arm. He pushes it into his arm deeply and swipes it quickly down the length of his arm. It barely hurts.

He takes the razor and does the same thing, but on the other arm. Again, it doesn't hurt, but Jared’s slowly starting to feel better. 

He repeats this process until both of his arms are drenched in blood. He feels so much better, what he can only describe as a high. Cloud nine at its finest.

Jared reaches over and turns on the faucet. He puts his arms under the water and hisses slightly in pain. It stings so bad, but feels so good. A lot of the cuts are deep enough to need stitches, but quite honestly, Jared doesn't care.

Jared doesn't care about anything anymore. He's done nothing but disappoint everyone and he's tired of it. 

He's a disappointment to his parents for sure. He didn't turn out to be that perfect baby girl they wanted. Nope, he turned out to be the complete opposite of what they wanted.

He's a disappointment to his friends as well. They've been there for him through it all, and he's done nothing but let them down. Through empty promises and vouches to get better, Jared slowly loses all of his friends. 

And last but definitely not least, he's disappointed his boyfriend the most. Jared loves Connor more than anyone else in his life. He's seen Jared at his worst and his very best. But Jared knows he lets Connor down so frequently. Everytime Connor sees more bright red, deep cuts running down Jared’s arm. Everytime he notices dark bruises on Jared’s arms. Everytime he sees Jared and there are new scars on his face from relentless scratchin. Jared can tell Connor is so disappointed in him. His face will drop and his eyes will darken. Jared knows Connor will end up leaving him one day. There's so many people out there that are better than him, and he knows that. He's not really anything.

Jared picks up his phone and shoots a text to Connor.

please come over. door’s unlocked.

Connor responds quickly, saying he’ll be there in five. Jared sighs heavily and picks up his razor again. He holds it against his thigh this time, pushing it in before swiping it across swiftly. He repeats this process in a fashion similar to what he did on his arms. Blood drips down onto his bathroom floor, and Jared is completely out of it. A mix of sad as shit and high as shit.

“Jared, oh my god, are you okay?” Connor asks as soon as he opens the door. It's a stupid question, he knows, but it's more or less to get Jared’s attention. Jared looks up at Connor with glassy, tear filled eyes.

“C-Connor I'm so sorry,” Jared mutters out weakly. Connor gets a rag and wets it, not saying anything. This is a frequent occurrence with Jared, happening at least once a week. Connor sits down next to Jared, starting to clean off his legs. 

“Jared you really need to get help,” Connor says hopelessly, knowing Jared won't listen.

“I-I know Connor. One day, I promise,” Jared lies through his teeth. He can't get help. He can't. He just wants everything to be over with already.

“Do you really promise Jared? You've been saying that for over a year now and you haven't done it. Are you ever going to actually go through with getting help? I can't keep doing this, Jared. You aren't doing anything to make yourself better, and I can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I'm sorry, but I have to break up with you,” Connor explains frustratedly. 

Jared lets out a harsh sob and hits himself on the arm, causing a shot of pain to wrack his body. Connor reaches out to grab Jared’s arm to stop him but Jared just yells.

“Don't fucking dare touch me, Connor,” he spits out harshly. Connor backs up and just sits, watching Jared fall apart. 

Jared’s whole body is shaking. Connor was the one thing he had. The one good thing in his life, and he drove him away. He didn't think it would hurt this bad, but god it hurts more than any cut ever can. 

“Connor. Leave now,” Jared says blankly. Connor tries to protest but Jared silences him.

“I said get the fuck out, Connor,” Jared insists. Connor just rolls his eyes and leaves the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind him.

Jared’s left alone in his bathroom, blood on the floor and pills in his hand. Who cares if Connor doesn't? Nobody. He grabs the water he brought in with him and swallows the pills. 

Jared Kleinman is known for making bad decisions. He's such a fuck up. But he can say with pride that this is the only good decision he's made in his life. Killing himself may be “rash” or “selfish,” but deep down, he knows he's doing the right thing. 

Jared fades out of reality, vision slowly blackening around the edges. A small smile plays across his lips, and for once in his life, he's happy.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!! love yall


End file.
